How many times have you been involved in a discussion or a dispute and only when the situation gets to ‘strong exchange of words’, do you learn what someone is really thinking and feeling about an issue? How many times have you ‘lashed out’ with perhaps an immediate sense of release and satisfaction, only later to regret what you said or how you said it? Or how many times have you had an inkling that this discussion is going to get heated and you smoothed things over or put your head in the sand?
Life and work are rife with differences and the potential for conflict is significant. Yet building and maintaining relationships is critical for our success in life and in work. But herein lies a dilemma for us. Knowing we rely on people to get things done, doesn’t prevent the possibility of conflict in itself. It might temper our reactions sometimes but there are reasons we experience tension. If our needs are not met once, we might be able to cope but if our needs are persistently not met, the tension we feel as a result, builds up and eventually has to ‘go somewhere’. Sometimes that tension explodes like a volcano and a barrage of emotion driven comments and personal attacks. When we survey the damage later, sometimes there’s not much left to salvage!
Other times, that tension is not expressed outwardly but has an internal impact that might be harder to see and may only be ‘visible’ way after the damage is done. Quite often this damage is to ourselves alone.
If we can learn to manage our reactions and turn a potential for negativity into something positive, we increase our chance of getting our needs met, without damaging relationships or feeling bad about our differences. If we are armed with a better understanding of the other side’s thoughts and issues, it allows us to respond more ‘purposefully’.
So, what can you do?
Think Dialogue – maintaining open dialogue can help avoid conflict or regain some equilibrium if it breaks out. Conversations can often be about taking or articulating positions and ‘winning’. Once you take positions, you can entrench yourself. While it might feel counter-intuitive in the heat of the moment, dialogue is more collaborative and is about respecting and understanding the other party. Dialogue therefore emphasises the relationship.
In the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity (Einstein)
Through dialogue you’re more likely to hear what the real issues are and instead of seeing the differences as problems, you can use the differences to craft solutions or ways forward. This is easy to say but harder to do, so a few other elements are necessary:
Enhance Your Self-Awareness– know your triggers. This is about managing your emotional reactions before they consume you. Knowing how and why we typically react in tense situations can help us to find better ways to navigate tension and limit the knock-on impact. Self-awareness is ‘other awareness’ – so use this knowledge to find an appropriate response, which maintains decorum and a dynamic to work through the differences to find a solution.
If we are not in control of our reactions, we tend to revert to a ping-pong conversation that does little to help build understanding and find agreed ways forward (Glaser)
Focus on Issues, not people – it is easier to be creative about finding solutions, which will keep both parties happy, when you focus on interests and needs, rather than on positions. Positions are associated with the person and the discussion can either become entrenched or begin to get personal. By staying calm, thinking rationally, taking perspective and asking questions you might find you have common needs and interests.
Generate Options – once you can identify needs and interests of both parties you have the foundation for creative or positive problem solving. Dialogue keeps both parties equally involved together, hopefully moving forward to an agreement.
Think about Language– be aware of the words you use and the impact they have on others. When you are in an emotive state, you can say things without thinking, clearly expressing your feelings. There are constructive ways to share the impact of the conflict on you, without using words that will hurt others or cause confusion and escalate the tension.
Conflicts often come from how we frame or understand words differently (Glaser).
Be Present – many conversations of course run smoothly but many are really a chaotic crossroads of assumptions, varying interpretations of words, conflicting needs, different modes of thinking, sitting on a bed of stresses, emotions and confusions. Being calm so you can objectively observe the impact of what you say and how you say it and what the other party really means, gives you a chance to respond more constructively and positively.
What counts in making a happy relationship, is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility (Goleman)
Taking a dialogic or collaborative approach doesn’t diminish the importance of your needs. It recognises that we operate in an interdependent world and we will always face differences. If we can learn to manage our instinctive reactions to those differences and respond more intelligently, or purposefully, we can achieve our goals in the short term, while protecting our longer-term interests – that of our relationship with others.
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