by Siobhán Bradley | Jun 19, 2021 | Uncategorized
How many times have you been involved in a discussion or a dispute and only when the situation gets to ‘strong exchange of words’, do you learn what someone is really thinking and feeling about an issue? How many times have you ‘lashed out’ with perhaps an immediate sense of release and satisfaction, only later to regret what you said or how you said it? Or how many times have you had an inkling that this discussion is going to get heated and you smoothed things over or put your head in the sand?
Life and work are rife with differences and the potential for conflict is significant. Yet building and maintaining relationships is critical for our success in life and in work. But herein lies a dilemma for us. Knowing we rely on people to get things done, doesn’t prevent the possibility of conflict in itself. It might temper our reactions sometimes but there are reasons we experience tension. If our needs are not met once, we might be able to cope but if our needs are persistently not met, the tension we feel as a result, builds up and eventually has to ‘go somewhere’. Sometimes that tension explodes like a volcano and a barrage of emotion driven comments and personal attacks. When we survey the damage later, sometimes there’s not much left to salvage!
Other times, that tension is not expressed outwardly but has an internal impact that might be harder to see and may only be ‘visible’ way after the damage is done. Quite often this damage is to ourselves alone.
If we can learn to manage our reactions and turn a potential for negativity into something positive, we increase our chance of getting our needs met, without damaging relationships or feeling bad about our differences. If we are armed with a better understanding of the other side’s thoughts and issues, it allows us to respond more ‘purposefully’.
So, what can you do?
Think Dialogue – maintaining open dialogue can help avoid conflict or regain some equilibrium if it breaks out. Conversations can often be about taking or articulating positions and ‘winning’. Once you take positions, you can entrench yourself. While it might feel counter-intuitive in the heat of the moment, dialogue is more collaborative and is about respecting and understanding the other party. Dialogue therefore emphasises the relationship.
In the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity (Einstein)
Through dialogue you’re more likely to hear what the real issues are and instead of seeing the differences as problems, you can use the differences to craft solutions or ways forward. This is easy to say but harder to do, so a few other elements are necessary:
Enhance Your Self-Awareness– know your triggers. This is about managing your emotional reactions before they consume you. Knowing how and why we typically react in tense situations can help us to find better ways to navigate tension and limit the knock-on impact. Self-awareness is ‘other awareness’ – so use this knowledge to find an appropriate response, which maintains decorum and a dynamic to work through the differences to find a solution.
If we are not in control of our reactions, we tend to revert to a ping-pong conversation that does little to help build understanding and find agreed ways forward (Glaser)
Focus on Issues, not people – it is easier to be creative about finding solutions, which will keep both parties happy, when you focus on interests and needs, rather than on positions. Positions are associated with the person and the discussion can either become entrenched or begin to get personal. By staying calm, thinking rationally, taking perspective and asking questions you might find you have common needs and interests.
Generate Options – once you can identify needs and interests of both parties you have the foundation for creative or positive problem solving. Dialogue keeps both parties equally involved together, hopefully moving forward to an agreement.
Think about Language– be aware of the words you use and the impact they have on others. When you are in an emotive state, you can say things without thinking, clearly expressing your feelings. There are constructive ways to share the impact of the conflict on you, without using words that will hurt others or cause confusion and escalate the tension.
Conflicts often come from how we frame or understand words differently (Glaser).
Be Present – many conversations of course run smoothly but many are really a chaotic crossroads of assumptions, varying interpretations of words, conflicting needs, different modes of thinking, sitting on a bed of stresses, emotions and confusions. Being calm so you can objectively observe the impact of what you say and how you say it and what the other party really means, gives you a chance to respond more constructively and positively.
What counts in making a happy relationship, is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility (Goleman)
Taking a dialogic or collaborative approach doesn’t diminish the importance of your needs. It recognises that we operate in an interdependent world and we will always face differences. If we can learn to manage our instinctive reactions to those differences and respond more intelligently, or purposefully, we can achieve our goals in the short term, while protecting our longer-term interests – that of our relationship with others.
by Siobhán Bradley | Jul 15, 2020 | Uncategorized
We all know people who drain or deflate us after a conversation with them. We also know others who are uplifting and we walk away in a positive mood, feeling like we’ve had a good experience. What prompts these two different reactions? Are we getting carried away with emotions in the latter and missing something from the former? And why does it matter which mood we’re left in?
The communication process is a two way, ying-yang dynamic- so the receiver also has a part to play in how they interpret and respond to what is ‘given’. However, in organisations, where hierarchy can be at play in this dynamic, it becomes more important for managers and leaders to be aware of their communications impact on others and take responsibility for delivering the intended impact.
The people who make us feel good after talking to them are likely to do all or many of the following:
Give us dedicated time and focus –they listen attentively and show respect by blocking distractions to really listen to others.
Make us feel at ease – they make it easier for people to approach them, open up to them and feel relaxed in their company.
Create a connection with us – they are more attuned to others, show empathy and are more likely to share information with people but respect boundaries.
Have a positive mindset and language – they tend to use encouraging, reinforcing, affirmative language and focus on what is possible, rather than what’s not. It’s not unbridled optimism and reckless enthusiasm, but conversations are infused with a level of energy and positivity, that makes ideas seem possible and discussions good.
It’s not always what you say, but how you say it
This means that for communications impact, you need to focus less on the actual words you use and more on the dynamic you create with others. Remote working and the use of new approaches to communication presents you with an opportunity to reflect on how you create a positive dynamic with others.
So why do these approaches work?
The quality of our attention determines the quality of the conversation and as a result, others feel valued. When people feel valued, they tend to ‘go the extra mile’. This can take the form of increased energy and focus, more initiative, more creativity in thought, more self-reliance and resilience to challenges.
Research shows that our style of leadership can influence the psychological safety in a team or organisation. A more empathetic style, with an absence of interpersonal fear, helps people feel psychologically safe to share and speak up. Increasing psychological safety improves information flow, exchange of ideas, trust and commitment, thereby strengthening decision making and outcomes.
Be mindful that relationships are a two-way dynamic though. When we have a more ‘giving’ attitude, we create an opportunity for people to receive. Those with the opposite approach in relationships, ‘takers’, are good at extracting information from those around them, offering little in return. A one-sided approach does little to build mutual trust and openness.
Leaders are conductors and have great impact on others’ thinking, feelings and actions. It is imperative that you strengthen your emotional intelligence and infuse your language and thus thinking with positivity, empathy and possibility.
Your role as leader is more than delivering on tasks. The environment you create through your actions and role modelling is critical to how you deliver outcomes but also in enabling others rise to challenges, work differently and deliver better outcomes. Why would anyone want to do that for or with you if you deflate them?
Psychological safety, trust, conversations which land well, are so important but rare. We have a great strength in our need as humans, which is different from other species, to be socially connected with each other. Social networking is the basis for learning, creativity and innovation, results. Despite this innate need, we have to learn how to do it well, across a variety of circumstances.
So what simple steps can you take to ensure your conversations make others feel good?
1. Make the first move: to engage others in conversation and put them at ease first. Give positive and affirmative body language and vocal signals, showing that you’re interested and listening. Be comfortable with yourself, as this will help them be comfortable with you.
2. Stay Focused: block out distractions. Interrupting indicates you are impatient and may mean you’re not really digesting what they are saying. Become aware of your inner monologue and when you hear it, learn to stop it.
3. Learn to appreciate others and gain from their perspectives: find things you value in each person. If you find it difficult to connect with them, ask yourself if it is because they have a different world view, opinion? Turn your thinking to ‘how could understanding their perspective strengthen my thinking, decisions and actions?’ ‘What information are they giving me by being critical or un-engaged?
4. Become a giver, not a taker: when you give, you receive a lot in return. A more open dynamic interaction paves the way for more information sharing, better connectivity, better engagement. ‘A rising tide lifts many boats’- by helping others you’re helping yourself and the organisation.
5. Infuse your language and thus your mindset with positivity and possibility: before you let the cautious, sometimes pragmatic or even critical mind mould ideas into safe, habitual practices, ‘let it all go’ and see where it takes you. Curtailing ideas and thinking at an early stage limits the leaps and bounds needed for innovation, significant change and improvement. You can always balance your free thinking with some good critical thinking later in the process.
Also, keep your emotions and reactions in check to prevent them ‘hijacking’ conversations. Re-frame phrases, e.g., ‘what went wrong’ or ‘all the challenges we’re facing’ into ‘how can we achieve better?’, or ‘what more could we do?’. This style of questioning engages others in the dialogue and process of possibility, keeping people enthused and involved.
Working in a virtual reality accentuates the need for you to look more keenly at your communications approaches and how you connect with others and create an effective dynamic in your teams. It is an ideal time to take a more systematic approach to your communications, to see what is working and what is not. What’s the worst that can happen if you aim to make people feel good in that process?
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